EMPATHY - A VISIT FROM A VETERAN CAREGIVER

Empathy:

"The capacity to, through consciousness rather than physically, share the sadness or happiness of another sentient being."

wikipedia

No matter how long you have been a caregiver or how confident you are in your choice to be a caregiver, reassurance and re-evaluation are always appreciated.  Sometimes that "attitude adjustment" comes most unexpectedly and at a much needed time. 

"Between our birth and death we may touch understanding as a moth brushes a window with its wing."

christopher fry

Last week I was having a small internal struggle with self pity.  It happens.  I'm sure it happens to everyone and it doesn't happen to me very often but there are triggers.  There happened to be a "perfect storm" of triggers and while I wasn't dwelling or wallowing, I was preoccupied .  

Firstly, it's Fall.  Yes it is beautiful.  Yes the leaves are pretty.  Yes I like the crispness in the air.  But.  I have been known to get "seasonal affective disorder" or "SAD" when the days start getting shorter and summer is slipping away.  I know winter is coming and I get "the blues".  I have my self-help tricks to lessen the symptoms and I'm usually pretty good at picking myself up.

Secondly, I had just returned from a very nice brief trip to visit friends in New England.  {if you can't avioid Fall, plunge into it head on}  It was a terrific trip.  I had a lot of alone or "me" time which is rare for an at-home caregiver.  It was just enough of a taste of freedom to remind me of how restricted and structured my life has become.

Thirdly, and this may seem petty but, a dear, much younger friend got a wonderful job promotion.  I'm very happy for him and I'm not jealous but it did contribute to my thinking about how my life might have taken a different path.

"Once we discover how to appreciate the timeless values in our daily experiences, we can enjoy the best things in life."

harry hepner

It was a nice afternoon and I had gone outside to wrangle the trash cans that had been so thoughtfully tossed into the middle of the street by the "sanitation workers" when a car pulled to the curb, horn honking and driver waiving and smiling.  I was busily swearing at the cans and muttering my usual litany about my tax dollars at work when the lovely woman emerged from her car.

"Christopher" I heard as I looked up from my wandering trash cans.  I was in a daze but the face was familiar.  "It's Eileen"  she said effervescently. "Yes, of course" I said as I came into focus.  It had been years since we'd seen one another but I knew that we had a common bond.

Eileen told me how glad she was to catch me outside and that she had recently had a dream about my mother.  She asked how Adelaide was doing and told me a familiar tale of how my mother had so positively effected her own life and how fondly she remembered her.  She regaled me with anecdotes of my mother as teacher and human being.  I always love those stories.  I've been so fortunate to hear so many of them from people responding to this blog.

I knew that Eileen had lost her mother who was also an Alzheimer's patient.  I didn't know that Eileen had been her caregiver.  We immediately understood one another with that special shorthand that only caregivers understand.  Eileen told me about her experience as caregiver.  I didn't even have to talk about mine.

Eileen is so upbeat and positive and caring.  She spoke of the joys of caregiving as if it were a gift.  She expressed my usual thoughts of not wanting to trade the bonding and shared time spent with our mothers for any other life path.  

I told her that my mother had been having a really great day and asked if she'd like to visit with her.  I knew that she understood my definition of  "having a great day" and she quickly accepted the invitation .  When she approached my mother they both lit up.  Eileen looked like and angel and immediately began speaking to my mother in French [the language my mother had taught her some 40 years earlier] and my mother beamed.  

"Cherish your human connections: your relationships with friends and family"

barbara bush

As Eileen was getting into her car she said "what I wouldn't give for one more hour of taking care of my mother". 

Thank you Eileen for helping me to regain my perspective and to center myself.  At the end of every "perfect storm" there is a beautiful ray of sunshine and all is right with the world once more.

FOODIE FRIDAY RECIPE - PINEAPPLE CHEESECAKE

No Bake Pineapple Cheesecake

This recipe was handed down to me from an old cousin of my mother's.  She made this confection for all sorts of special occasions and it has always been a crowd pleaser.  I've served it myself for a few dinner parties to "ooohs and ahs" from my guests.

This is not a heavy New York style cheesecake and it's also a nice diversion from my Italian Ricotta cake.  This is a refrigerator cake with no baking involved so there is no worry of turning out a cake with a split top. It is light and soft and full of pineapple which gives it a certain sweetness without being sickeningly sweet.

I like to garnish my dessert plates with a few stripes of raspberry puree from a squeeze bottle just to add a little color because the cake is pale. 

Ingredients:

For the crust:

1.25 cups graham cracker crumbs

3 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons melted butter

hot water as needed

For the filling:

1/2 pint heavy cream

milk as needed

2 envelopes unflavored gelatin

1/2 cup sugar

2 egg whites

2 eight ounce packages of cream cheese, softened

1 one pound can crushed pineapple

1 regular box cook and serve vanilla pudding

Method:

Prepare the crust in a 10" spring form pan and allow to chill for at least one hour.  

Crust:

Combine crumbs and sugar in a medium bowl to combine.  Stir in melted butter until thoroughly blended.  Test the mixture between 2 fingers to see if it holds shape.  If not then add a couple drops of hot water.  Press the mixture into the bottom of the pan  with a spoon or juice glass.  Chill for at least 1 hour before filling.

Filling

Strain the pineapple over a bowl and reserve the liquid.  Add enough milk to the pineapple liquid to make 2 cups.  Transfer the milk/pineapple liquid to a small pan and sprinkle with gelatin powder.  Stir in pudding mix and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until thickened and begins to boil.

Remove pudding mixture from heat.  Add cream cheese and beat with hand mixer until smooth.  Stir in drained pineapple and mix well by hand.  Allow mixture to cool to room temperature.

In a separate bowl beat egg whites until stiff while gradually adding 1/4 cup sugar.

In yet another bowl whip the cream with 1/4 cup sugar until soft peaks form.

Fold the egg whites into the cooled pudding mixture and then incorporate the whipped cream.  Do not over mix!  

Pour the mixture into the prepared, crumb lined pan.  Refrigerate for at least 8 hours.  Unmold* before serving and sprinkle with a tablespoon of graham cracker crumbs.

*to unmold: run a table knife around the edge of cake.  Place the cake on a bowl and release the spring latch.  Loosen the outer ring from the cake and slide it down, freeing the cake.  Do not remove the cake from the bottom pan circle!  Move the cake, with the bottom intact, to a serving plate.

FOODIE FRIDAY RECIPE - OSSO BUCCO

Osso Bucco is a wonderful, melt in your mouth, braised shank in the traditional Milanese style.  Literally, Osso Bucco means "bone with a hole" because these are marrow bones.  I cook mine in my slow cooker for simplicity but you can certainly cook yours in a heavy pot in the oven.  Traditionally served over risotto, I like mine with pasta.  It is also tradition to use veal shank but you can easily use beef or pork.  When I'm cooking for a casual dinner I use beef because of the price.  Veal shank can be very pricey and pork shank is difficult to find unless you have a good butcher.

Ingredients:

4 veal shanks

1 medium white onion, diced

1/2 cup grated carrot

2 stalks celery, diced

3 tablespoons dried parsley flakes

1 teaspoon dried rosemary

1 teaspoon dried thyme

8 ounces beef or veal stock

16 ounces canned crushed tomatoes

2 tablespoons tomato paste

6 small cloves garlic, minced

1 cup good white wine

1 tablespoon salt

1 teaspoon ground black pepper

2 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons olive oil

1/2 cup flour for dredging

Method:

Heat butter and oil in a heavy skillet over medium heat.  

While the oil is heating, combine flour and 1 teaspoon of the salt in a bowl and dredge the meat in the flour.  

Lightly brown the meat on both sides and place the browned meat in the slow cooker. 

Add the vegetables to the skillet and cook to soften, stirring frequently.  Add spices and tomato paste and stir.  Add the wine and pour over the meat.

Add the tomatoes and the stock.

Cover and cook on medium for 5 hours.  The meat will be "fall of the bone" tender.  Carefully ladle the meat to a platter.  Use the sauce over your favorite pasta or rice.

FOODIE FRIDAY RECIPE - SUPER SIMPLE STROMBOLI

Stromboli is a rolled up cousin to pizza and calzones.  Delicious meat and cheese rolled up in bread dough is easy to make and guaranteed to please.  Casual and versatile peasant fare, they make a hearty meal or can even be used as hors d'oeuvres when sliced thin. This is even good cold or at room temperature.  The filling choices are unlimited so I just going to give you the basics of my favorite and then you can use your favorite combination. Add genoa salami or sliced pepperoni for a little spice.  You can even add some drained roasted peppers or drained, cooked chopped spinach.

INGREDIENTS:

1 prepared pizza dough from grocery refrigerated section or local bakery

1 eight ounce fresh or Buffalo Mozzarella

8-10 slices deli ham [boiled style]

2 tablespoons grated romano or parmesan cheese

fresh cracked black pepper

flour for dusting

1/2 tsp. sesame seeds [optional]

METHOD:

Let the dough come to room temperature for about an hour.

Preheat oven to 425*

Thinly slice the mozzarella.

Roll the dough on a lightly floured surface to an 8 x 12 rectangle.  Grind the black pepper over the surface of the dough.  Just a light coat is enough.  Sprinkle the grated cheese over the surface.  Lay the slices of cheese over the grated cheese, leaving 1/2" bare border.  Arrange the ham in two layers over the cheeses.  Starting at one of the shorter edges, carefully roll the layered dough away from you forming a log.  Pinch the two sides to seal and press the seam.  Lay the log, seam side down, on a baking sheet lightly sprayed with cooking spray.  Sprinkle sesame seeds on the top of the roll and lightly press to the surface.  

Bake at 425* for 25 minutes until golden brown.

Be sure to allow this to cool for 5 minutes before trying to cut.  If cutting into thin pinwheels allow to cool a full 10 minutes.

It is customary to serve with marinara sauce on the side.  I find the sauce unnecessary.  

FOODIE FRIDAY RECIPE - LOBSTER POT PIE

Lobster Pot Pie

One evening this summer I had the pleasure of dining waterfront in Connecticut overlooking the Long Island Sound.  One of the specials being offered was Lobster Pot Pie.  Who could resist?  It was a perfect meal which immediately shot to the top of my list of favorite foods.  I wish the restauranteurs would make this a permanent feature on their menu.  I deconstructed the entree and have come up with my version for you.  Although I first had the pot pie in the heat of summer I think it is even more perfectly suited to a crisp fall evening.  You could even make smaller portions to serve as a very elegant first course for Thanksgiving.  That would surely give your family and guests something to be thankful for!

INGREDIENTS:

meat from 2 steamed lobsters [each kept separate]

2 carrots, peeled and diced

2 small potatoes, peeled and diced

2 cups half & half cream

2 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons instant [Wondra] flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/8 teaspoon nutmeg

2 tablespoons frozen green peas

1 teaspoon dry sherry

1 sheet frozen puff pastry, defrosted

METHOD:

Preheat oven to 400*

Parboil the peeled and diced carrots and potatoes until just fork-tender, drain and place in a mixing bowl.  In a small sauce pan over medium heat, melt the butter but do not let it get any color.  Remove from heat and stir in the flour and the whisk in the half & half.  Return to low heat and add the salt, pepper, sherry and nutmeg.  Heat to just before simmer temperature while stirring,  but do not simmer or boil.  Remove from heat and add peas, potatoes and carrots.

Unfold the defrosted pastry sheet and cut two circles about 2 inches bigger than the rim of your [cereal-sized] bowls.

Place the meat from each lobster into each bowl and divide the cream/vegetable mixture over the lobster.  Cover each bowl with puff pastry and cut a small [1/2 inch] X vent in the center.  Place on a baking sheet and into the preheated oven on center rack for 20 minutes or until golden and flaky.

Serve in front of your fireplace* with a green salad and your favorite white wine. 

*if you don't have a fireplace, this dish calls for candles as the very least! 

FOODIE FRIDAY: CHICKEN PAPRIKASH

This is a close and delicious relative of beef goulash but with a few tasty additions and of course the obvious use of chicken instead of beef.  A robust and flavor-rich dish just perfect for fall and winter yet it is light and subtle.  I like to serve this over wide egg noodles or with potato pancakes.  Warm, sweet pickled red cabbage is an obvious accompaniment to balance the zip of the spices.

INGREDIENTS:

1 frying chicken cut into 8 pieces

1/2 cup a.p. flour

1 medium onion, diced

2 carrots, peeled and diced

1 sweet red bell pepper diced

2 cups chicken stock

1/4 cup quality sweet paprika

2 tablespoons tomato paste

1 clove garlic, smashed

2 teaspoons salt

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper [optional]

12 ounces fresh sliced mushrooms

1/3 cup oil for frying

1/2 cup good red wine

METHOD:

Lightly brown the onions, bell pepper and garlic and move to a casserole dish.* While the onions are browning, dredge the chicken in flour. Add the chicken pieces to the oil and lightly brown on both sides over medium high heat.  Move the chicken to the casserole dish.  Now saute the mushrooms just until wilted and then add the paprika, salt and black pepper.  Transfer the seasoned mushroom mixture [with the liquid] to the casserole.  Add the remaining ingredients to the casserole dish.  Cover and bake in a 350* oven for 2 hours.  

Remove from oven, remove chicken to a platter.  Stir the sauce and serve over noodles.

*can be made in your slow cooker on high for 4 hours.

"SAUCE WARS"

Last weekend I had the honor of being one of the judge's for my hometown's first annual "Sauce Wars" tomato sauce competition.  When I got the call to participate I thought "this should be fun!".  I must admit that I haven't been very involved locally since the days when I owned my regional theater here: The Westchester Show Place. I grew up here.  I'm "third generation" Italian American Peekskillite and this competition was to be part of a three day Italian festival.

When I got off the phone it occurred to me that I hadn't asked for any details beyond when and where I was to show up.  I had no details about the competition rules or requirements or even how many people would be submitting their sauce. I watch FoodTV and the Travel Channel.  I'm a "foodie".  I know good sauce.  What more did I need to know? I figured I would taste a few sauces, be social, have some fun and do my part for the community. How hard could this possibly be?

Competition day arrived and the weather was picture perfect.  What a great day to spend outdoors with friends.  Predictably irreverent, I donned my favorite apron which is imprinted with "DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO POISON YOUR DINNER" across the chest, and showed up at the address with which I had been provided.  The meeting place was a nice small office adjacent to the festivities.  I was greeted by old friends and familiar faces.  I soon realized that we were going to be doing the bulk of the judging in this space and not outside in the beautiful weather.  We would do the preliminary judging inside and then be joined by the local "celebrity" judges for the final round of three sauces.  Hey, wait a minute.  I'm not a "celebrity"?  My ego isn't too bruised.  

Lesson number one: when you get asked to judge a food competition, ask for details!  

I am quickly introduced to the other two non-celebrity judges, given a name badge and a clipboard and we are briefly instructed as to how we were to score and judge.  This is where we first learn that the competition had been such a success that  there had been 82 entries in the competition, some from as far as New York City.  82 different sauces to taste!  We were to judge 10 at a time and then our results would be tabulated and the second round would be narrowed to 20.  After that, 12 and then be joined by the "celebs" for the final 3 on stage.

Let's stop and do the math.  82 + 20 + 12 +3.  When it was over we will have tasted 127 samples!  127 tastings with only water for palate cleansing.  This was going to take a long time.

Lesson number two: when you create a food competition make some rules and guidelines for the entrants. 

The first set of 10 jars is placed on the judging table along with a large supply of plastic spoons.  "OK, begin".  With my first taste I discovered that the sauce was cold.  After I made my "unattractive face" I ask about the temperature and was told that "there was no way to heat them up but that they had been left out of the refrigerator for a while to warm up to room temperature".  Cold tomato sauce!  How do you judge COLD tomato sauce?  It's neither fair to the contestants nor [especially] to the "non-celebrity" judges being asked to sample 127.  Temperature completely throws off the taste balance, acidity and viscosity.  Not to ignore the fact that cold, oily sauce is off-putting. I wouldn't even want to taste my own [wonderful] sauce cold!

As I make my way through the first set of cold, oily sauces something else has revealed itself to me and my fellow judges:  there were no guidelines for the sauce.  If it was red it's in the competition.  The sauces were with or without meat.  I'm sure a few had fish in them.  Some had vegetables.  Some were so spicy that water would not cleanse the palate.  Other entries tasted more like Mexican salsa or burrito sauce.  The competition should clearly have been broken down into categories.

By the time I had tasted 40 very different sauces I was turning a little green.  Not "with envy" green.  Just "how the hell am I going to taste 87 more samples?" green.  I think it was around this time that my mind began to wander to the inevitable thoughts of  "I wonder who made these" and "is there a cure for botulism?" and "I wonder if I'll ever again be able to smell tomato sauce without getting nauseous".  

By the time we finished the first round of 82 I was in the groove.  The bulk of the judging was behind us and we knew what we were in for for the rest of the rounds.  We had already tasted all of them.  The rounds should get much easier if you don't factor in the cumulative effect.  I spent a lot of time suggesting to the people in charge that next year it should be a cannoli contest instead!

The "celebrity" judges arrived and to their credit decided to join us "nobody" judges for the final 12 round.  They were lovely, gracious and fun.  I took a great deal of pleasure watching them jump in and take spoonfuls of the cold, oily sauces.  When they heard how many samples we had already tasted they were very complimentary and no doubt grateful that they hadn't arrived any earlier in the process.

We did it.  Somehow we narrowed the sauces down to the final 3.  The top 3.  We were escorted outside to the stage where we were announced, introduced and seated.  It was great to be outside.  The fresh air was very welcomed.  We did our final judging in front of the audience and the winner was announced.  

It was a fun day.  It was a good experience that I surely won't soon forget.  Unfortunately the competition more closely resembled "Bizarre Foods" with Andrew Zimmern than "The Next Great Chef"!  

That evening I went home to eat some crackers,  brush my teeth and gargle several times followed by a nice dinner at my favorite Indian restaurant!